Dear Mom...... Yours Selfishly!

 The youth of today is the leader of tomorrow 

- Nelson Mandela

The above-given quote describes the ferocity with which the world believes in the potential of youth. Good guidance is what they need, and you will see them reaching the pinnacle of their success, building the world, and even revolutionizing the thoughts. And while they do so, they walk, they run, they jump and they fall. But every time they get hurt, the one person they eventually crawl back to is their MOTHER. 

Do you know why that is? It’s because the feelings that start developing between a mother and a child begins with an umbilical cord and then subsists forever. That should be a natural case. But today I would like to differ on this. The mother-child bond seems to fade away from its purity as the child gets older and attains his young age. Of course, there is love, but this love is one-sided. It is only the mother who keeps on pouring her selfless love while the child turns into a selfish fox. 

You know why I mentioned about youth in the beginning, it’s because this is the time when a child is able to discover every aspect of the world and something that he learns from it is the Art of Manipulation and his mother is the first person on whom the child experiments this acquired art. Popularly known as – Emotional Blackmail. The poor mother falls prey to this for just one simple reason, she knows the purity of love that should exist between a mother and a child.

You might recall many of such instances when you emotionally blackmailed your mother just to achieve some of your frivolous needs. Obviously, I was no saint. I did all that you did. In fact, I was a bit more evil. Because of this extreme manipulative in me, I did something which almost cost her one fundamental right which is the Right to Grow.

So, it all began when my mother joined her meditation classes. I was in class 9. Somehow I felt that this class is creating some opacity between me and Mumma. I found that I was losing her love, I became desperate for her attention. Actually, I hated to see my mom giving importance to something more than me. One day when I could not enjoy my weekend, just because of her class, like a determined wicked enemy I decided to end this pain for once and all. And thus, I began with my plan A. Mock-e-meditation. For each of her actions, I used to relate it somehow to meditation and mock her. 

So, for example, if she is scolding me, I would say, “Anger is the biggest enemy of humanity, didn’t they teach you this in your meditation? What did they teach you then? Do they even teach you anything?”, “You don’t meditate right? You just sleep while you sit, I know". Gradual the situation grew and a time came, that I always blamed her for every failure in my life. I fought with her saying, you are the one responsible for my less marks in the exam, for my less concentration in studies, and for every other thing where I lacked in hard work. 

I complained of not receiving that motherly love from her, in the way my friends received. I, even started finding faults in her food, “What use is this meditation, when you can’t even cook good food?”  But all in vain. I couldn’t break her dedication. But I was implacable by this time. So, I resorted to plan B, the Brahmastra, the phase of emotional blackmail. You won’t believe what I did. I deduced my own philosophy and professed it to her time and again. I said, “Mumma, you cannot do multiple tasks at the same time". Mumma asked, “What Tasks?” 

“Living a material life of a householder and meditation with social work. You cannot do all these things at the same time. If you want to have one, you have to sacrifice the other. Either you grow in meditation and let all of us suffer your carelessness towards us or you can stop meditation and social work and stay with us for a happy life of all of us” I kept on dropping stories of various legends before her for e.g. Lord Buddha and B.R. Ambedkar (selfishness had found a worst possible way to quote legends like those). Every time I did this, I had that foxy cunning smile on my face. If only there had been some music in the background, I would be no less sly than Komolika!  I was damn sure this will work, and it did. Finally, she gave up her happiness for me and limited her social work to the four walls of our house. 

I gave a pat on my own back, Shabbash! Such a great feeling of victory it felt.

After a few years, I had to leave my town for graduation. At the University, I got busy with my own stuff. My classes, my friends, my projects, my parties phew! So much to do. Eventually the number of calls I made to her, reduced from each a day to once a week. (Shame, I know) But I didn’t realize it until one day I called her and she replied, “So poor you are, you can’t even afford to call me. I guess you are out of money”. I felt ashamed of my behavior. 

The past pictured flashed before me and suddenly I was filled with guilt. I searched for the wrong in me and realized about past manipulative actions. It just struck me that all those actions were not because I craved for my mother’s love. It was because I craved her attention. Just for a few hours of attention, I made her sacrifice a lot. Sacrifice,  something which was crucial for her progress as an individual. I couldn’t find the courage to face myself. Disgusting, I behaved. 

Just as I realized this sitting in the corner of my hostel room, she too realized something while she sat near our kitchen platform. She discovered that now that she doesn’t have to spend time for me, she had so many hours left for herself. She re-joined her classes. She faced difficulty in making notes during the classes as her education qualification was being a bar. But her efforts helped her overcome it within weeks. As time went by, she became really proficient in the philosophies. I didn’t know she learns so quickly, way faster than me. Not only did she learn but also started making some efforts to make others aware of it. She is no more a typical orthodox Indian mother anymore, she is non-judgemental. She has a makeover of her mind-set and now she is this beautiful, carefree, liberal woman. 

Sorry to boast but she is a favourite amongst my friend. Can’t help!

I feel that her own financial independence, because of the apparel shop she started, instigated her to motivate other women. Subsequently, she along with some of her friends started an NGO – KALYANI CHARITABLE FOUNDATION. This NGO by now has created a number of self-help groups of women, wherein they not only manage to afford small amounts of lending but also have learned various vocational arts like knitting, stitching, making candles, commercial food items, and lot more, which now fetch them some money too. I feel proud that this all happened because of my mother but at the same time, I feel a pang of guilt that this could have happened long ago if it wouldn’t for me. She is good at business but here the only consideration she wants is happiness. 

The Happiness, that the world is in search of because many are still deprived of it. 

This is not a story of only my mother. Deloitte’s research says that 90% of women think of leaving their jobs when they become mothers. 43% of working women annually leave their jobs just because they have a child to care for. 48% of women drop out after their maternity leave. Not only this, in countries like India many of the women have to crush their dreams because of child marriage. 

The numbers in this data keep on rising, you know why? Most of the time it’s because of the child. 

How selfless my mother is, And how selfish I am. What am I going to answer on the Judgement day? The question kept eating me and to my grace lockdown happened. I realized this as an opportunity to help my mom achieve her dreams. I started with helping her out in using gadgets. Teaching her basic English. Now she uses those few in her guidance sessions. Oh and of course, she has yet not got rid of those household chores, so I help in that too. 

You know what, if you complain that your mother is not open-minded, that’s all because of you. You are the one responsible for it. It was you because of whom she had to crush her desires and remain at home. It was you who made her cut herself from the exposure of this world, this beautiful world.

It’s high time you realize it. You don’t have to do much. From the 4 hours that you spend on Instagram, just spend 1 hour with your mom. Talk to her about some of her hidden interests and talents. Open the YouTube videos and help her learn them again. 

I want you to share it with her. If she can read this, lucky you. If she cannot read it just sit beside her and explain in the language she understands, And then look at the smile on her face I guarantee you will sleep well after that. 

Author                                  Shruti Ramteke

Co-author and editor   Piyush Janbandhu 

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